Being the person I am, my days end up being a mini roller coaster of emotions.
Ups and downs.
Highs and lows.
Which is all very very great and happy! I would never want to trade those moments. But with every happiness comes doubt, questions, concern.
My decision to quit my job was not one I took lightly. By no means do I consider myself above anyone else or some sort of transcendent thinker. The position made me miserable, and I didn't want to deal with it.
Simple as that.
It's always been a dream of mine to work in a field that allows me to manage myself, where I have freedom. I believe that if the work is done, and done well, then my time should be my own.
Simple as that.
Yet it seems that life doesn't want me to take that route. This weekend, on a personal/internal level, I was faced with many moments of having to review my ideals, my goals, my life.
And those many moments I felt disappointed that things aren't working out the way I wished. I felt guilt that I've practically forced Brian to be in a position where the financial burden is completely on him - regardless of how much ownership and pride he's taken in the position.
Sunday night was probably when I felt the tremendous weight of all the emotions running through me, trying to maintain my appreciation for the fact that I'm even able to make the choice of not working. Yet I emotionally collapsed this weekend and spent many moments crying, begging to be given some sign of what I should be doing. My heart hurts because I've been measuring my value based on how much money I make.
Yesterday, in another one of my temper-tantrum type of moods, Brian and I went for a run. He went his pace, and I went mine. In that time, I felt like it was a reflection on life - others will find their purpose or reach their goals sooner than some.
It's whatever, it's life. It's something you can't control. Which sucks for a control freak like me, but ultimately it's worse to worry about it.
Today I awoke with the understanding of this. That there are very few things I can control - so I cleaned the kitchen, dressed for a run, watered the plants. Yet, with what plans I had made in my head, life took control and I found myself spending a really wonderful afternoon with a friend who I feel so grateful for having. Then I received some information from another friend about new opportunities. And to top it all off, I received an email from a customer who purchased a brass bull from my Etsy shop for his wife's birthday, with a photo attached of his wife holding the bull, with their two sons. He said that she really enjoyed it, and thanked me for selling it to him - which made me cry from how wonderful the message was!
It's these things that keep me going. That keep me hopeful. That rest my weary mind a bit from the worries and doubts and concerns.
The remainder of the week, I'm going to take a break from writing in exchange for updating the blog design, and focus on some other things.
How do you best manage the doubts & stresses of your life?