image viaI hate waiting for what I want.
I'm a child of the technological age who has grown up having practically everything instantly. If I want a cheeseburger, I can drive down the street and get one in 5 minutes. If there's a TV show I want to watch, I can just pull it up on my TV right then and there. If it takes longer than 5 minutes to get my coffee - holy crap the world is ending (#FirstWorldProblems). My wants usually aren't delayed by time. Instant gratification - it's all I really know! And it's prepared me horribly for adulthood.
So, when I realized that I can no longer continue this existence of working for the sole purpose of bringing home a paycheck - that there's GOT to be more to this whole life thing - I'm finding myself frustrated CONSTANTLY. One moment I'll be ecstatic and filled with inspiration, feeling that the world is in my hands. Then I realize that, "Oh, I need to pay the power bill." and suddenly this lens I've been viewing my life with recently, in such a broad and colorful angle, is suddenly put into a very narrow and gray focus. The inspiration and motivation to find my passion and LIFE CAREER (which I'll maintain the use of this term for the rest of eternity) is brought to a halt as I'm pushed back into a harsh reality.
Bills need to be paid.
Debts need to be demolished.
Food needs to be put in the fridge.
And those damn cats need their wet food.
But I can't fulfill these adult needs and responsibilities without a steady income. And I'm in no position to quit my current, miserable office job now. Not without a foundation and focus of what I can create that is worth selling to the people. But I don't have the patience to figure that out - I'd have to try this and try that to see what my hands and mind and soul are collectively capable of, and that's just a lot of hard work that takes a LONG TIME! I want what I want, and I want it now!
There are so many questions floating through my head about my future:
Will I find my passion?
Will I find the patience and courage to work through my doubts and frustration?
Will I be successful?
Am I being some head-in-the-clouds asshole dreamer who needs to get back to reality, and just deal with the fact that life is meant to work in misery for those 80-hour paychecks to pay those 30-day bills?
If I am brought into my bosses office one more time and talked down to about a mistake I've made, will I be able to refrain from punching whatever is within arms reach?
These questions aren't being answered clearly enough, and my dreams aren't coming to fruition quickly enough for me to want to maintain any sense of optimism for my future as a professional creative, finding my life career. Anytime I'm brought back to reality, I take it was yet another sign that my dreams and goals are ridiculous - that I'm simply acting as a child who just can't put that damn crayon down when there are chores to do.
In order to help me stay focused on the bigger picture of my goals (work for only me, and my customers), I signed up for an email newsletter called "Crafting Your Independence with Tara Swiger". The introductory email included a recording of a phone Q&A session she held, where she talked a little about how she went from working office jobs, to owning her own yarn store (which she eventually closed, but still maintains an online business). There was one moment in her Q&A that REALLY, truly connected with me where she made a comment about why conventional work never fit well with her:
"I do not like to have to go to work by a certain time everyday. And no matter how I changed the yarn store hours, I hated having to show up at a job everyday for certain hours."
When she said this, I felt SO RELIEVED that I'm not as crazy as I think I am - that someone who was successful at following a path very similar to the one I'm hoping to pave, thinks the same as I do! THERE IS HOPE, YET! In my mind, in order for someone to feel like they are legitimately earning money and being a functioning member of society, they need an employer who dictates their hours and cuts them a check every 2 weeks. But that's just not the case - you can make a living and live fully with careful planning, and most importantly, PATIENCE, which I have zero of.
There is also a PDF she has called, "Questions to Ask Before You Do The Thing", which is prompting me to really evaluate and plan out my path to my life career. When it comes to looking inward and asking myself REAL questions, I'm terrible at it. Just writing a blog post that is cohesive from beginning to end is difficult enough. There's just too much swirling through my head, that I begin to lose my patience when trying to sort through it all.
Hopefully I can get my emotions, doubts, and thoughts in check before I give up on myself. I need to stop thinking in terms of, "I can't do this because..." and start thinking of everything in terms of, "I CAN do this because...". When my mind starts racing with doubts and thoughts with all of the reasons why I shouldn't follow my heart, I'll remind myself to "BREATH, NICHOLE! SHUT UP AND BREATH!"
Once I get my patience and planning in check, and stop doubting myself every 5 minutes, things will fall together, gradually.