I would love to say that he's NOT peeing in the snow. But I can't. And I don't care. Because this is my step father, William A. Kelly, Sr. at his finest - with his Ray Ban sunglasses and black jeans, acting like it's 1987, all day, everyday.
I'd also like to say that our step daughter/step father relationship was awesome and rainbows and sunshine out our asses since my mom introduced me to him. But I can't. And that's quite alright.
When he and my mom got together, I was in the 3rd grade. Still a kid, he let me ride my bike around the block alone, much to my mom's despair. He took me on the most frightening ride on a motorcycle, which had nothing to do with his riding abilities, and all to do with the fact that I had NO metal around me. When I went to China to see him & my mom for the summer, he and I went out on the water of Phuket, Thailand on a jet ski. And to this day I am terrified of them. This time, it had a lot to do with his jet-skiing abilities. And also a lot to do with the fact that we were in so far away from the shore. But mostly it's because of him.
Sorry, Mr Bill.
In the beginning, everything was pretty much awesome and rainbows and sunshine out our asses - until puberty struck. Damn it, puberty, I hate you on so many levels...
Being a man who raised two sons (partly) on his own, he had no idea what kind of fiery wrath I would lay upon his life once we hit this part in our lives. While sons can have the emotional moody stage during their formidable years, I really doubt he experienced anything like what he experienced with me.
|We are the classiest of the classy in Vegas|
We have had many moments of wanting to knock each other out - me with my super-sensitive anger management issues, and he with his inability to filter ANYTHING he says to ensure nothing comes out offensively ("What? I was just asking a question!") - it was a match made in step-parent relationship hell for a while there.
But, like I said, that's quite alright.
Through him I learned a lot about science. I developed a strong love for Steve Martin & Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. I grew up knowing what it was like to be completely mortified by my father, "MOM, tell Bill to put his teeth back in! I have friends over!!!"
Through him I had the amazing opportunity to experience many areas of mainland Asia - although it was wasted on my angst-ridden self, "I don't wana spend summer in CHINAAAA" - I was able to learn about a completely different culture. The same trip also began my love of experiencing new foods. How many people can say they ate, and honestly enjoyed, frogs legs at the age of 12? Seriously, that shit tastes like chicken.
|Typical Bill - cigarette, coffee, Harley shirt, AND THOSE DAMN BLACK JEANS!!!|
Through him I have a love and appreciation for classic rock, motorcycles, and starting DIY projects that take forever to finish. I also learned to adore someone who is very much set in their ways - black coffee in the morning with a little bit of water to cool it down; always saying "IT'S ALIIIIIVE!" when I walk into the room after having woken up; Budweiser in either a can or bottle, or give him death; and whenever mom yells at him for touching her stomach, "But I love ALL of you, Barbie!" Oh, and can't forget the fine art of burping "Barrrbbb, get me a beeer".
Through him, I felt loved. I felt cared for. Through him I learned what it felt like to WANT to make someone proud.
Without him, I wouldn't have had a healthy male role in my life. Without him, there wouldn't be so many awesome memories to outnumber the stupid memories - all of which resulting in hilarious inside jokes & punch lines ("Biiiilllll, you're baaaaaaack" & "Screaming corn!!!")
To this day we still have our moments of bickering and snapping, but that's just how it is. On days when he or I are being super nice, the suspicious question is always asked, "What do you want from me...? I have no money for you."
But I wouldn't have had it any other way. He was the man who, without hesitation it seemed, stepped up to the plate and took care of me when the universe put me into his life with my mom. I adore this man, even with his false teeth, grumpy attitude, and 6 Million Dollar Man lifestyle (we have the technology, we can rebuild him).
He means the world to me, to my mom, and to his family. He has the warmest brown eyes ever, and is the man I look to when someone asks about my father - because he is my father, the man who raised me.
And for all he has sacrificed and gone through with my bullshit, I have nothing but respect and gratitude for him.
Mr. Bill, if mom has forced you to read this (after you two spend 20+ minutes trying to find your reading glasses, at which point she gives up and just reads it TO YOU), please know that deep down in my heart, you are my father, my dad. And nothing will ever change that.
|With my Momster - and again, those. Damn. Black. Jeans.|
I love you.And I hope mom takes you out to dinner on this special day. Or at least makes you a steak. And potatoes. BUT NO VEGGIES - god forbid.